Lessons Learned

The past two weeks have completely taught me new things about myself. Before my surgery, I was consumed with fear, doubt, and worry. I knew in the back of mind that the surgery would be over, I would recover, and all the worry and fear would have been wasted for nothing, but non the less, I still let myself get caught in that snare of fear. Now, almost two weeks later I have learned my lesson, and many more. Fear has been the most negative characteristic of my being for a while, and I still struggle with it, but these past two weeks have changed me. I've learned that my situations will not be any better, no matter how much effort I put into worrying and fearing over them. I've learned that that fear only destroys you and pulls you down. I've learned that fear can consume you to believe almost anything other than what you know you should be believing. I worried for a year over a surgery that lasted 40 minutes. I've learned to admire people who have the ability to not let fear creep in to their beings. Some people's mind's never go to that place. They are always confident and always sure that the situations they are in will work out no matter what the circumstances. I have learned that I am to quick to become anxious, and I have learned that God's peace is amazing.

I had a dream the night before last. Of course I have been on a strong antibiotic for the past few days and I believe it has interrupted my sleeping greately, meaning that my dreams have been very odd. The only dream I remember to detail was short, but unbelievably real. I remember having this great fear in my heart. In my dream, Richard and I were in bed sleeping just as we were doing. All of a sudden, I opened my eyes and felt the presence of a demon entering our room. I can't describe it to you in any other way. I was encompassed with fear and new exactly what was coming towards me. Although there was nothing physically present, I knew it was entering our bedroom door. Our dog, immediately stood up her back two legs as if she had sensed someone had entered the room. The fear was unexplainable and the only thing that came out of my mouth was "Get out of here, in the name of my Lord Jesus." Without another thought, I literally woke up and the peace that they say surpasses all understanding, surpassed me. I wasn't the least bit scared, and I didn't think about the dream itself until I woke up yesterday. I truly believe that dreams aren't something that are just imagined. I think dreams are thoughts that we have conjured up in our beings. Our restlessness is often revealed and lived through what we dream. All of that to say, I truly feel that the Lord wanted me to see that fear could easily be released with him beside me. He is living in me! What should I fear? The dream truly spoke to me, and I because of it and my experiences the past two weeks, I have learned a great deal about fear and anxiousness. No matter how bad things seem, the Lord is right there beside you and knows the outcome. I've needed to learn that lesson for a long time. These two weeks have made me braver and stronger, and I am thankful for them!

Monotony

Here I sit, a week after surgery. Still sitting and laying, sitting and laying. My house has reached its dirtiest. Well, according to me its dirtiest. I guess to others it still might be semi-clean. I've watched as many HGTV shows that could possibly air, and I am reaching the decorating point of no return. I've found myself contemplating my "style" and trying to figure out what I can do next in my own house. I guess that what's you get for lying around for a week. I wish I could just be complacent. At some point you have to be satisfied right? I guess not. Not in this country where style and greed control everything. That's another blog right? For now I'm just battling nausea, acute pain, and boredom.

Sitting here has humbled me. It has made me thankful for my husband. You wouldn't believe how wonderfully he has taken care of me. He has never left my side during any of this. He works so hard for us and yet still makes me feel unbelievably loved. It makes me thankful for my heavenly father as well.

I guess this blog really had no point other than its title. I'm just bored. Bored, but thankful!

Enduring Pain

Enduring pain has been my trial for the week. After overcoming the fear of surgery, I've had to overcome the pain that follows it. The surgery itself was easy. It was nothing for me to lay in the chair and get slowly put to sleep. It was nothing for me simply because I didn't remember anything until Richard carried me to the bed. After I realized what had happened, the pain set in. After throwing up blood, bleeding for 24 hours, and being in a constant spaced out state, I realized just how traumatic the experience really was. I think everyone was being nice when they said "It's nothing" "You'll be fine"! I guess it's different for everyone. Here it is Saturday, five days after surgery, and I am still not feeling like myself. I have had to go back to the doctor twice and get three of my teeth or hole's packed because of dry sockets. Right now I am not in "pain" but I am uncomfortable with an aching and constant sense of pressure in my mouth, not to mention that the left side of my bottom lip is still numb. Needless to say, I have overcome my fear of surgery. I do not however wish this experience upon anyone else. The one thing I have learned after all this is that I am ready for labor! If I can go through this crying intense bloody pain for a week, I can certainly undergo labor with DRUGS! I guess it just has taught me that life has experiences that aren't necessarily enjoyable and that in two weeks, hopefully this will just be a thing of the past.

Why Blog?

I don't know if anyone will ever read these blogs other than myself. I don't think I would even want people to read them. I've always loved to write, and I have every since I was little. I guess that's why I feel the Lord wants me to write books, but I've never been one to openly share my deepest thoughts. I would often write them down, but not in "blog" sense. It seems that when I do write them, I feel better about them. So the purpose of my blogs are simply to release my inner self at times when I don't know what else to do. I always feel better after I write. In a way, writing detoxes the thoughts that often cloud my insides. All that to say. . . . I blog for myself. For my own personal release of emotion, and more times than none, it makes me feel free.

Beating the Devil

As trivial as it may seem, I am having oral surgery on Monday. I know it seems as if it's just a surgery to some, but I've truly struggled with anxiety and fear over the situation. But through the dread, I've learned that the devil's greatest snare's in my life are all associated around "what ifs"! These what ifs revolve around my constant fears that often seem absurd and never truly play out. So, I've been "coaching" myself if you will, to be strong and dependent upon the Lord for this circumstance. I'm hoping that I go into this with a confidence in my doctor and with a confidence that my God will be with me through it all. In a way, I want this to be a learning experience for myself. I want my faith to over power my fears. People always say to turn everything over to the Lord. I have to admit, I've had a hard time doing that in the past. No matter how hard I pray and and ask the fears to be taken away, they still plague my emotions and thoughts. I guess I've never realized how to completely release and trust the one who already knows the outcome and who would never leave me. So in a way, I'm praying that this surgery is a self renewing experience. One that allows me to see the strength the Lord can give and one that finally allows me the chance to completely turn something over depending utterly upon my faith! Not only will I loose the nagging literal pain within my mouth, but I will loose the fear that has been nagging me for the past year, and as a result, I will get out of the snares that the devil has bound me in. So I'm taking this situation head on, leaving the devil, with my snares, behind!!